Finding Strength

I've found recently that being a new mom gives you a lot of time to think. I'm not stuck with a bunch of errands to run (probably because I'm only the mom of one), and I actually just stay inside with a baby who eats and sleeps. This being the case, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the things that have happened recently. As you can imagine, Skylar's delivery wasn't exactly what I had planned for it to be. In fact it was quite scary and intense at times, but I was never anxious for the health or well-being of myself or my baby. This was because of the priesthood blessings I had received prior to Skylar's birth.

When we found out that I had preeclampsia we started making plans to be ready for Skylar to come early. One of the things that I felt I really needed was a priesthood blessing. This seemed silly since I was still five weeks away from my due date, but despite all of that, the night before I was induced I asked Ryan and my brother-in-law Eric to give me a blessing. In the blessing, we were told that the labor would be difficult (little did we know just HOW difficult), but that it would be that way because of the great things that Skylar has to do in this life. Strangely enough, this was the most comforting thing for me to hear. I didn't like the fact that the labor would be difficult, but I knew that it would all be for a purpose....and that Skylar would make it out whole.

During our second night in the hospital, our bishop came to visit us. This was after Skylar's heart rate had taken some scary dips, and things weren't looking so good. He and Ryan gave me another blessing at this time, and during it Bishop Meredith didn't so much talk about Skylar, but talked about me and the work that I have to do in this life, and blessed me with comfort and peace to get through the labor. This may not seem significant, and at the time I mostly just felt comforted by the blessing. However, during the events of the next day I found strength from both of these blessings.

I only once opened my eyes when I was in the OR for my C-section. I didn't want to be there, and if I kept my eyes closed I was able to pretend like I wasn't there. Juvenile? Yes...but it got me through it. Because of this, I have a somewhat limited recollection of exactly what happened while I was there. Ryan was there too, and since I'm a somewhat queasy individual when it comes to blood and guts and such, I asked him to not tell me anything about what happened there unless I specifically asked. We were talking last night about it and he happened to let slip that when I thought I had been put under by the anesthesiologist, I actually hadn't been knocked out, but had passed out. Apparently this was when they realized that I hadn't been lying about feeling the incision, and started to worry that I would go into cardiac arrest because of all the pain I had been feeling. Considering Skylar's heart rate had disappeared, I'm guessing this wasn't exactly the best case scenario my doctor would have liked. Now she had to worry about keeping me AND my baby alive.

I only bring this up because throughout the entire delivery I never once worried about the outcome. I knew that no matter what happened, my baby and I would both be alive and well. My mom was there during the scary parts, and she told me later how scared she was that we would lose Skylar. I never once let this cross my mind, not because I considered it an unthinkable horror, but because I had been promised in blessings that he would grow and develop and live a full life. This helped me so much during the scariness of our delivery because I never started to freak out about everything that was going on. Instead I was able to just close my eyes, and focus on getting us to the end of the journey. I'm grateful for the priesthood blessings we received because it gave me assurance that everything would turn out just fine, and considering the scary turns we had to take, just knowing we would make it out alive was a necessity.

I've had a lot of people ask me lately why I always seem to get stuck with the hard stuff in life. It seems that anytime I set out to do something I get the hard route. I had some scary health issues during high school, and doctor's offices and I have become fast friends....or acquaintances at least :) Some have offered the opinion that I get to do hard things because I'm strong. I sometimes tend to wonder if I bring a lot of it upon myself through choices that I make, but every time I start to say that whoever I'm talking to starts to tell me that I'm ridiculous since nothing I could have done would have changed my trial. I still think it anyway...

I think the main reason I get to do all the hard things that nobody else wants to (if I had the choice I wouldn't want to do them either) is because I handle it. This isn't because of anything I have that others don't, but because of the faith I have that everything that happens has a purpose, and that the knowledge that I will be supported and comforted in my trials. One of the scriptures that has been running through my mind lately is Philippians 4:13 which says, "I can do all things in Christ which strengtheneth me."

One of the nurses in the NICU remarked to my mom that I was very strong (she's obviously never seen me try to do a pull-up... Apparently I seemed very pulled together, but mostly I'm just too stubborn to cry in public). This is false. I am in fact very weak. I get upset by the most trivial of things, and I am far too self-centered for my own good. However, whenever I've met my hardest trials I've been smart enough to give up. Not give up on the trial, but give up trying to do it by myself. It has been during my moments of physical weakness that I have found the most spiritual strength. This has come through relying on the Lord and letting Him work with me and help me through the trial.

I think this is why I get stuck with the "hard things." Not because I'm so strong and can handle it, but because I need to be reminded that I can't do everything by myself. My trials have helped me to be grateful for the atonement and the sacrifices that have been made so I don't have to do everything by myself. I still can't say that I look forward to my next big trial, but I feel blessed in knowing that when it does come I'll be able to handle it. Not on my own, but through Christ, because He does strengthen me.

Sorry for the novel of a post. One of my English teachers told me I liked the sound of my own voice too much (later she told me that she likes the sound of my voice too....but that editors and college professors might not be as entertained by my wordiness). I figure though that this is my blog so I can write as much as I want! You're the one that chose to read it :P