I don't know about the rest of you, but one of the few times during the week that I get to just be still and reflect is while we take the sacrament. I love the tranquility and peace that we get to experience in those few moments. Recently I've been noticing that more often than not, the sacrament is a place where I can receive clear revelation. Part of this I believe stems from the fact that before we partake of the sacrament we sing a hymn. Music speaks to me so clearly, and stays with me so profoundly that I often find myself reflecting on the music we sing more than the talks that are given. Normally I'm not a huge fan of the sacrament hymns. For the most part they usually drag, aren't that rhythmically or melodically complex, and tend to go flat more than other hymns. I blame most of that on the tempo. However, the words of the sacrament hymns stick with me more than all of the other hymns, and teach me important lessons that I need to hear.
Today we sang "Behold the Great Redeemer Die." During the sacrament one line stuck with me. The song goes through and recalls the pain and suffering Christ endured with the Atonement and crucifixion. At the beginning of the second verse it says, "While guilty men his pains deride, they pierce his hands and feet and side." This phrase stuck with me throughout all of church today because it has special significance in my life right now.
For those of you who are unaware, Ryan's family and I don't exactly get along. Don't ask me why, because I don't even understand it. In the past few months things have gotten worse after they decided to break our trust and then try to turn the other members of the family against us. They publicly demeaned me on facebook, and then when we tried to resolve it and work things out they basically told us that we should get over it and that we shouldn't expect them to help us out. Comforting, no? This has lead to me crying myself to sleep many nights, and just wondering what I did to deserve this.
I think in my naivety I feel like since I haven't done anything wrong, I should be treated fairly and given the love I deserve. When we sang the line, "While guilty men his pains deride, they pierce his hands and feet and side." I was reminded that the Savior, through no faults of his own, was beaten, bruised, and degraded. This does not make any thing I feel less painful, but it does help give me some perspective.
I often laugh when someone talks about an injury they have and someone else speaks up and talks about how they sustained an injury ten times worse. Why do we do that? Do we assume that because we have suffered more it makes their suffering any less?! Pain is pain, I don't care how much you're feeling, if you're hurt it is painful and needs to be dealt with. I don't think the Savior ever looks at us and says "Suck it up princess, I've been through a billion times more pain than you." Rather He acknowledges our grief and helps us mourn.
I am far from being over this, and am still hurting deeply because of it. However, I'm starting to get over the fact that I haven't done anything wrong and I'm still being abused. The Savior went through the same thing, and at least understands. If nothing else I can say that I am following His example right?
California:: the beach
5 weeks ago