Sunday, April 18, 2010

"While Guilty Men His Pains Deride"

I don't know about the rest of you, but one of the few times during the week that I get to just be still and reflect is while we take the sacrament. I love the tranquility and peace that we get to experience in those few moments. Recently I've been noticing that more often than not, the sacrament is a place where I can receive clear revelation. Part of this I believe stems from the fact that before we partake of the sacrament we sing a hymn. Music speaks to me so clearly, and stays with me so profoundly that I often find myself reflecting on the music we sing more than the talks that are given. Normally I'm not a huge fan of the sacrament hymns. For the most part they usually drag, aren't that rhythmically or melodically complex, and tend to go flat more than other hymns. I blame most of that on the tempo. However, the words of the sacrament hymns stick with me more than all of the other hymns, and teach me important lessons that I need to hear.

Today we sang "Behold the Great Redeemer Die." During the sacrament one line stuck with me. The song goes through and recalls the pain and suffering Christ endured with the Atonement and crucifixion. At the beginning of the second verse it says, "While guilty men his pains deride, they pierce his hands and feet and side." This phrase stuck with me throughout all of church today because it has special significance in my life right now.

For those of you who are unaware, Ryan's family and I don't exactly get along. Don't ask me why, because I don't even understand it. In the past few months things have gotten worse after they decided to break our trust and then try to turn the other members of the family against us. They publicly demeaned me on facebook, and then when we tried to resolve it and work things out they basically told us that we should get over it and that we shouldn't expect them to help us out. Comforting, no? This has lead to me crying myself to sleep many nights, and just wondering what I did to deserve this.

I think in my naivety I feel like since I haven't done anything wrong, I should be treated fairly and given the love I deserve. When we sang the line, "While guilty men his pains deride, they pierce his hands and feet and side." I was reminded that the Savior, through no faults of his own, was beaten, bruised, and degraded. This does not make any thing I feel less painful, but it does help give me some perspective.

I often laugh when someone talks about an injury they have and someone else speaks up and talks about how they sustained an injury ten times worse. Why do we do that? Do we assume that because we have suffered more it makes their suffering any less?! Pain is pain, I don't care how much you're feeling, if you're hurt it is painful and needs to be dealt with. I don't think the Savior ever looks at us and says "Suck it up princess, I've been through a billion times more pain than you." Rather He acknowledges our grief and helps us mourn.

I am far from being over this, and am still hurting deeply because of it. However, I'm starting to get over the fact that I haven't done anything wrong and I'm still being abused. The Savior went through the same thing, and at least understands. If nothing else I can say that I am following His example right?

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Sigh, I always set goals to do better at blogging, but it never happens! The stupid thing is is that I always think about what I am going to write about....and then I never just sit down and write it! I always postpone the inevitable thinking that I should wait so I can write about more than one thing at a time. This equates to a huge post which never gets written because it would just be too long. So instead of waiting to post anything until I have all of the pictures that I want I'm going to just write about what I can now, and then update about other things later :)

The first big thing that has happened to us lately is that my two youngest brothers and my dad came to visit! It was just a short random visit during their spring break over Easter weekend. It was soo good to see them, but also reminded me of how much I miss them. While they were here we went up to my grandparents in Logan and spent time with my dad's side of the family. Only about half of us were there, but there are so many of us that you would never guess that people were missing. I love going up to Logan and being around so many people that I love and that love me back. It is just so comforting to know that so many people love you and accept you for who you are.

My dad and brothers were planning on going home on Monday night, but decided to stay for one more day so they could come to our choir devotional on Tuesday! I'm sure it wasn't the most exciting part of their trip (Cody admitted to me that he fell asleep before the last number....punk) but it meant a lot to me that they were willing to extend their trip to come hear me sing! I have loved being a part of Women's Chorus and being able to share my love of music, my testimony, and the peace and joy that can come from singing with those who come to hear us. The only thing I regret is that my family in California hasn't been able to come hear. Let's face it, it's a long way to travel just to come to a concert, but I keep hoping that someday their vacation travels and our concerts will coincide so they can come to one of our full-length concerts. Here's to hoping! Either way, it meant a lot to me that they would come and share in our music with us, and that they would stay longer, even though it would mean getting back to CA after midnight and driving in the snow. Hopefully next time Mom and Jayson can come too!

Other than that, we're just getting ready for finals around here. The funny thing is, I only have two finals left! As of Wednesday I was pretty much done, even though most people hadn't even started. At least that is one good thing about the BYU School of Music, they finish before finals week and give you an extra week of break more or less. Anyways I just have a take home final left, and one scheduled final on Wednesday. Jealous of me? You should be. Just remember though that I took 8 classes this semester and only got 12.5 credits for it. Shoot me in the face.
Well that is all for us for now! Hopefully I can get my pictures soon and put up posts that might actually interest people :)