Birth Story

This week has been one of the most defining experiences of my life, but has also been filled with some of the most traumatic moments I've ever had to deal with. My mom suggested that maybe writing everything down would help me sort through it in my mind and be able to deal with it better. I don't know who would want to read it, and if you are currently pregnant I actually recommend that you don't read it. However, I'm sure having other people know what I am going through and also had to go through, will help me to better cope with what has happened and what I will still have to face in the future.

I guess most of this started three weeks ago when I started realizing that I was swelling more than normal and that my blood pressure (which pre-pregnancy ran around 90/60) was creeping upwards of 150/110 at times. My doctor and I kept in touch and after a few stays in the hospital I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. The only way to solve this was to deliver the baby, but we figured we could hold off long enough to deliver that Skylar would be fine. I was put on strict bedrest to try to keep him in there as long as possible, but last Monday everything reached a point where it threatened my life too much to have him stay in utero. Everyone assured me that he would transition just fine outside of the womb. I think in the back of my mind I knew that he would have to spend some time in the NICU, but since he was only 2 weeks shy of "full-term" (37 weeks) I figured he would still come home with us and we could be a family together.

All things considered when I walked into the hospital on Monday I did know in the back of my mind that there was a chance that I would be delivering my baby before I left. My sister took me up to perinatology and we ran a few tests. After these tests were done they decided to admit me overnight and sent me over to labor and delivery. I didn't realize how serious they were about the possibility of me delivering that day until I started joking with the nurse at the front desk. She had seen me a lot in the past few days, and as I was signing the same paperwork for the third time I remarked, "Man, by the time I actually come here to have my baby I'm going to be a pro at this." She responded with, "Uhm, I think that is why you are here." .....Now enter meltdown mode.

Thankfully my sister had packed most of my hospital bag, and I had created a google doc to help her pack the last few things. So with this new revelation, I texted Ryan at work to let him know that he probably wanted to come to the hospital sooner rather than later. He arrived and we waited awhile to meet with my doctor. Thankfully, one of our friends ended up being our nurse for the evening. It was good to kind of have somebody to abdicate for us and just understand our concerns. We waited around in a room for awhile while they monitored me and Skylar, and around 10 o'clock my doctor came in and announced that enough was enough and it was just time to induce me. They started off with just a cervical gel to see if that would be enough to start me into labor.

After about 10 hours of that I was still only at about 1 cm, so they decided to start me on Pitocin. For those of you unacquainted with this drug, I encourage you to remain that way. It basically kickstarts labor, but is well known for intensifying contractions. Most doctors make you start an epidural when you start Pitocin, but I wanted to see how far I could make it without an epidural. Around this time my mom showed up, and I was already completely exhausted despite barely having any real contractions or progress in labor. I hadn't really slept in the past day since I was constantly awoken by someone wanting to take a blood sample or run tests.

It was now about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I had progressed to about 2 cms. My mom suggested that I take an epidural since they wanted to crank up the dosage of Pitocin they were giving me. I decided this was good advice, and after a quick visit from the anesthesiologist, I decided that epidurals were a gift from God. With my epidural in they decided to really crank up the Pitocin, and start some heavier contractions. I was fine with this since I could not feel a thing. Unfortunately, about 30 minutes later Skylar's heart rate started dropping into the 30s.

I'm not sure if it was scarier to watch his heart rate disappear, or to watch how quickly my room flooded with doctors and nurses. It was very apparent that something was wrong and the next few minutes were vital to keeping my baby alive. My doctor was not at the hospital at the time, but another doctor proceeded to break my water, stop the Pitocin, and insert a device that would monitor Skylar more effectively from inside the uterus. Thankfully, these measures worked and Skylar's heart rate picked back up.

Unfortunately, this meant that I was left to my own devices to progress in labor without Pitocin, and with a body that was still thinking it should be 35 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, we went another night with not a lot of sleep, and not a lot of progress. It was however painless, thanks to the epidural :) The next morning they decided to slowly start creeping up the levels of Pitocin again since it had been over 30 hours since I had been induced, and since they normally want to deliver a baby within 24 hours of your water breaking.

I can't say when, but somewhere around mid-morning my epidural stopped working. It wasn't the worst experience ever, but I could tell a huge difference in my pain management. I suddenly had to start breathing through my contractions and at times pant or moan just to endure it. I had progressed to about 4 cms, but considering that I had been in labor for 30+ hours this was rather unimpressive. My doctor came in and informed me that she was going to give me one more hour to progress to a 5, otherwise I would have to deliver the baby via C-section. My mom joked that it was a good thing they gave me a specific goal, since I am a very goal oriented person. They proceeded to crank up the Pitocin, and the next hour was one of the most painful I can remember.

I have a very high pain threshold, so once my mom saw me panting and moaning and crying through contractions she knew that something was wrong. She was able to figure this out even further when I told them to page the anesthesiologist. He came in and proceeded to dose me up with more medication in my epidural, but despite a large amount of drugs, my pain stayed pretty consistent. My doctor then came in to check me, and to everyone's surprise I had not only progressed to a 5, but was all the way to a 7. In the past hour my body had almost doubled the progress it had made in the last 35(ish), and had done it without the relief of an epidural. Yes, I'm basically awesome, but I was also in some serious pain. It took about another hour for me to get to 10 cms, and was almost completely effaced when Skylar's heart rate started dropping again.

It was at this point that they started prepping an OR for my delivery, and the anesthesiologist returned to redo the epidural. I have a few moments during this time that I know that I blacked out. I don't remember being transferred to the OR, but I remember waking up under their bright lights and listening to the heart rate monitor and silently talking to Skylar and trying to help him bring his heart rate under control. I'm sure he was just as exhausted as I was at that point, but my doctor knew how desperate I was to avoid a C-section so she let me try pushing a few times. Unfortunately every time I pushed his heart rate dropped lower and lower until it disappeared altogether.

I remember my doctor telling me that we would have to take him out via C-section, and I remember breaking down into the biggest sobs I've ever cried. I felt so helpless, and scared, and nervous for the next procedure my body was going to go through. The anesthesiologist then started testing my body to see if I was still feeling any sensation since they prefer to keep you awake during a C-section. He had a special pen or something that he would push on your body that had a retractable pin. He ran it all up and down my body to test whether I was feeling pain (the pin) or pressure (the pen). I kept telling him that I could feel it when he pressed it against my stomach, but he was positive that I was just being hysterical. I can't say I really blame him considering the large amounts of drugs that he had previously been giving me.

Next thing I knew I was being cut open....and I could feel the knife. I started yelling that I could feel it. The next thing I knew they put me to sleep and I woke up back in labor and delivery. If you want to know what happened in the meantime, you'd have to ask Ryan since I have no memory of the next two hours or so. All I know is I woke up in a new bed, with staples holding my stomach together, and my baby was not with me anymore. This is where shear panic and distress set in. I've been told that for the next few hours I kept asking the same questions over and over again (I was pretty doped up). I kept asking where the baby was, how he was doing, what time he was born, where I was, how big he was, etc.

Thankfully Skylar made it through the delivery, but like myself was a little worse for the wear. The doctors aren't exactly sure what went wrong, why his heart rate kept dropping, why I could feel the incision, and why everything that possibly could go wrong did. The cord was wrapped around his shoulder and so they think that maybe every time I pushed or they turned up the Pitocin it put too much pressure on the cord and cut off oxygen and blood to Skylar. Nevertheless, we both made it through the delivery process and I can now say that I've experienced three labors in one. Laboring with an epidural, laboring without an epidural, and a C-section. I'm basically a pro.

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head still that I'm sure I will write about later. Through it all I had some strong impressions that this was going to be a hard process, but that the outcome would result in me and my son being safe and alive. We're definitely both a little worse for the wear, but our doctors assure us that we won't carry any of the trauma with us for the rest of our lives. In the meantime, I'm grateful for modern medicine because without it my son and I likely wouldn't still be here. We've been mourning a lot around here lately since we are now home, but we had to leave Skylar at the NICU. He'll likely be there for a few more weeks, and my heart just yearns to be with him and hold him. Especially after being so physically attached for the last 8 months. However, today my mom told me that she was praying for guidance in how to help us cope and she received the strong prompting that both Skylar and I narrowly escaped death, and because of that we should be grateful.

I will still mourn the absence of my baby, but I so look forward to the day that we finally get to bring him home. We've put away his clothes and removed the physical reminders of the fact that he is not here with us, but I rejoice that we will have the opportunity to bring him home someday. I don't have to wait until the eternities to be with my baby, and it is because of the priesthood blessings we received, the knowledge of medicine we have been blessed with, and the ability of our doctors to listen to the promptings of the Spirit and know how to keep the two of us in mortality. I have much to be grateful for, and I plan on remembering that every time I cry during the next few weeks.

Worst Wake-up Ever

*Knock knock*

"Come in." -Me

"Phlebotomy!" -Them

Well good morning to you too. I can already tell this is going to be a good day.

Bedrest

So recently I've learned that if I'm going to the doctors (even for a short visit) I need to bring a book or something to keep me entertained. Not because it takes them forever to see me, but because lately I've just been sent to the hospital to sit for hours on end while they poke me and laugh at how much my baby wiggles :) I've also decided that I am going to have many more blog posts in the near future since I am currently....stuck. That's right, I'm on bedrest. Somewhat inconvenient since I was supposed to start school today, but there's nothing I can do about that. So instead I will sit here and pretend like I have something useful to write.

I guess most of you are probably wondering why I'm on bedrest, so we'll backtrack a little bit. I've been diagnosed with preeclampsia. Strange for me since my blood pressure has never been above 90/60 in my entire life, but pregnancy does some weird things to ya. So after spending the night in the hospital so they could monitor me and my baby (and so I could repeat my favorite 24 hour urine test). They decided that I wasn't in so bad of shape that they needed to induce me right away, but that I could go home and just rest for awhile.

This was a blessing. I was NOT ready to have that baby on Friday, and on Saturday I was in even worse shape since I had gotten less than 4 hours of sleep the night before. They aren't going to let me go past 38 weeks (the risk to me at that point would far outweigh any sort of risk to the baby) and will probably induce me before then since UVRMC is one of the leading hospitals in neonatology in the world.....we're in good hands to say the least. I'm going back to the hospital today to run some more tests, and I have a doctors appointment again tomorrow (they just miss me so much they wanted to see me again!). So I'll probably have more by way of an update at that point.

Until then, you can find me here. I will be making endless baby blankets, cramming more information about labor and delivery into my head, and catching up on Gilmore Girls reruns. Praise the Lord, we have Netflix :)

Updates

So this post has been a long time coming, I realize that. In my defense life has been crazy! I finally finished summer term and can proudly say that I have passed all of my theory core! This summer has been exhausting, but I'm so grateful that I just sucked it up and finished everything. I'm still not finished with school, but most of the classes that I have left are more of the "show up and take the test variety" rather than the "be in class every day or you will fail variety." I'm excited though because for the first time ever I will only have two hours of class a day in the fall! Just as a comparison I had class from 8-3 during the summer. This means that I finally get to settle down and prepare for our baby to get here!

We had a little bit of extra excitement this week in the form of an extra doctors visit. I had been noticing that my blood pressure was going up at each appointment, so I decided to just keep an eye on it. I've always had super low blood pressure (like 90/60) so even just seeing my blood pressure in the 100s is a shock for me. However, it had been getting as high as 140/87 and I'd been swelling a lot in my hands, feet, and face, so I decided a quick call to the doctor might be a good idea. They decided to have me come in, and unfortunately my blood pressure was up to 140/110. This was cause for concern (and some panic) because it hints towards preeclampsia.
Needless to say they sent me over to the hospital to do a non-stress test and make sure everything was okay with baby. The test itself is a breeze, you basically lay down and they hook up monitors to your stomach to check the baby's heart rate, and monitor your blood pressure every 10 minutes. Thankfully, once I laid down my blood pressure went down to 126/86 (still not perfect, but your blood pressure is expected to go up during pregnancy) and baby was kicking at all the monitors during the entire test. We definitely have a stinker on our hands here! He had his own ideas about having monitors strapped to him :)

The only thing I didn't like about the test was that they checked you in to a room on the labor and delivery floor in order to have it done. I was just looking around the whole time thinking, "I'm not quite ready to be here yet, can I come back in a few weeks?" As nerve-wracking as that was though, it was nice to see the area where we will have the baby in a few weeks and get acquainted with the procedures they have up there. If nothing else, now I won't worry that we will wander the hospital for hours looking for labor and delivery :)

Even though the NST came back normal, they still wanted to do a few more tests just to see where our levels of concern should be. Basically they had me do a 24 hour urine collection. I pray that none of you will ever have to do this. This is not painful in the least, but is disgusting, and if you are still suffering from morning sickness and nausea, it is one of the last things you will ever want to do. You can probably guess what it consists of. That's right, they give you a big jug and tell you to collect all of your urine in that jug for the next 24 hours, and keep the jug in the fridge. Excuse me, but my food is in the fridge. Let's just say that neither Ryan nor I had much of an appetite that day.

Anyways I haven't heard back on the results of that test, or my blood test, so I'm hoping that means everything is checking out normal and I just have to take it easy for the next little while. I definitely consider it a blessing that my blood pressure came down so quickly just by lying down. My mom is convinced that they're going to put me on bed-rest if this continues to be an issue, but I'm hoping they will hold off on that for another week or so. We're moving on Monday, and I just can't take a break until then. If I do have to go on bed-rest though, at least I'll be able to update this blog more! Here's to looking at the bright side!

Double Digits!

We're down to the double digits! How did that happen? Less than 100 days until my due date. I'm not naive enough to say less than 100 days until my baby gets here :) I think due dates are somewhat cruel, because we start counting down to something that may or may not happen on the specified date. As it is though being in double digits means that so far I have survived 180 days of pregnancy, and only have 99 days to go. I'm also close to the 2/3 mark! All while being a full-time student, and sometimes being an over full-time student. Summer term, 6 classes, 10.5 credit hours equals the equivalent of 12 classes and 21 credit hours in a normal semester. Yes I know I'm crazy.....yay for graduating? Super yay though for double digits!

The Results Are In!

And it's a boy! Kinda lame that our poll ended up being 50/50 with no clear favorite, but I guess the odds are 50/50 too so I can understand that. But we're having a boy! We went to the doctor's on Friday and everything is checking out good. They couldn't see any signs of spina bifida, down's syndrome, cleft palates, etc. It has been kinda funny to tell people that it is a boy and watch them try to comfort me because he isn't a girl. I just keep telling them that we were just wanting to have a healthy baby, and we wanted it to be either a boy or a girl rather than a combination of the two. So we're just happy!

I will admit though that it was a little disappointing to find out that we weren't getting our girl yet. I've really known from day one that the little stinker is a boy, and have slipped up more than once and referred to him as a he, but that didn't mean that I still hoped I was wrong. All my family was pretty sure it was a girl, so that got my hopes up, but boys are just as exciting. I've been having soooo much fun with my nephew Sam lately, and seeing how he is excited and always wants to see our pictures of the baby has helped me just be happy. Not only because I'm making a little friend for Sam, but hopefully because we get a son who is just as playful as Sam. The only sad part was walking through the baby aisle at Target and seeing all the adorable little girl dresses and ribbons. I'm hoping one day to be able to make blessing dresses, and baptism dresses out of the lace from my wedding dress....so I better get a girl, otherwise our boys will be quite traumatized!

Today's sacrament meeting was absolutely perfect for us though. We had a high council speaker come and speak to us about patience, and related it to his and his wife's experience in trying to start a family. He told us about how ever since he first received the priesthood as a deacon, he has had the desire to ordain his son to the priesthood. He and his wife were married when they were young and for about six years tried and tried to have kids. Eventually they decided to adopt and were blessed to be able to through LDS family services. They were able to adopt two girls and figured that would be the end of their family. However about four years later they were shocked to find out that she was pregnant and gave birth to a boy. Sadly, about seventeen months later they were speaking at their son's funeral, and the speaker still hadn't had the chance to ordain his son. At this point they were nearing their forties and figured that all hope was gone at raising a son. Another shock came 4 years after, when they found out that she was pregnant again, and was carrying another boy. His son was there with him today and is 6-years-old and truly a miracle.

This man's story touched me so much, and made me realize that even though I'm not getting the daughter I had hoped for, I'm receiving a son and with that son comes the duty and obligation to raise him righteously and teach him to value and honor his priesthood. My family teases me because in my patriarchal blessing it talks about my sons and how they will serve missions and be very influential in bringing many to the knowledge of the gospel. My mom always tells me that I'm going to have nine boys and no girls (although she would not wish that upon me). Since my blessing doesn't talk about my daughters I think every time I get pregnant I will be holding out hope for a girl so I know that I will at least get one.

However, as I was just sitting thinking the other day about the little boy that is currently kicking my bladder, I was reminded of my blessing. I received a strong witness that he is one of the sons my blessing talks about and that he will be a powerful missionary. I don't doubt it in the least since one of the things that Ryan is naturally blessed with is the ability to teach the gospel and understand it. I feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to raise a righteous priesthood holder, and that I have someone by my side who can show that example to his son. I'm also just plain happy for Ryan because he is over the moon that he gets his little boy. I'm sure that is every man's dream is to have a boy first, but all Ryan can see is Yankee's uniforms and camp-outs. So for his sake, I'm more than pleased that we're having a boy!!

Sleepless in South Provo

Our current pillow to bed ratio: 5:1

Occupant to bed ratio: 2:1

Logical pillow to occupant ratio: 2.5:1

Actual pillow to occupant ratio: 4:1 and 1:1

If you haven't guessed it yet, I am the 4:1 and Ryan gets the 1:1. The poor man :( He ends up with 1/3 of the bed while I build myself a nest with three large pillows and a body pillow (which is really more like two pillows).

Who knew that pregnancy would equal the need for more sleep, but yet also completely worthless uncomfortable sleep?! Answer: all mothers and any other pregnant women. Ugh, I feel absolutely worthless lying in bed. I can't lay on my stomach because I feel like I'm sleeping on top of a softball, and I mentally picture myself squishing my baby. My side is the most comfortable, but my back always feels supremely arched if I'm not supporting it with a pillow.

My solution? You guessed it, millions of pillows all around my body squished into every crack so I can't move. Ryan has to pack me in at night before I go to sleep :) Of course I never wake up in my nice little nest. Somehow by three in the morning all the pillows have migrated to the bottom of the bed, and Ryan mysteriously has one in between his legs.

*sigh* These 20 weeks are going to be very long, and I am guessing it is going to get worse before it gets better. Suggestions?